April 27th, 2016
The best day of my life was when my father died. I know that sounds crazy and you may be thinking—Wait one second!! Has she lost her mind??!!! Why would someone ever feel great after losing a parent, but that’s just it, I didn’t lose him, I gained a new kind of love. The kind of love God demonstrates to us by being present without being seen. The love that is more real than any tangible object or an earthly relationship. This gave me new life and seeing God as my Heavenly Father.
My father was my EVERYTHING! He guided, protected and his wisdom was off the charts. He was seriously one of the wisest men I knew. His love for me was my mirror of how I knew I should be treated. Of course at times I wanted to go astray from his advice because I didn’t think he could understand being in my place. But after stepping back and realizing everything, he always had my back and wanted the absolute best for me.
My father was the main decision maker and role model for my life. Since his decisions always lined up with God’s Word, his life demonstrated the authority he held and respect given by others. This gave me comfort & security going home each day and having him as my father. He had a very strong personality aka “he did not play around” he commanded respect and was known for noticing wolves in sheeps clothing. He always encouraged me to stay on the path of righteousness and not to compare my life to others. My decisions were based on the wisdom he gave me. He was my confidant and the first example of how a man should treat a woman. My Dad was a martyr for integrity and a shield of strength.
From the way he structured my life by putting me in the best schools, my father prepared me for my future. Encouraging me to be independent by allowing me to take public transportation to and from my High School. This made me unafraid when I am in other continents doing the same. He didn’t give me everything I wanted, but he gave me what I needed to succeed. He always told me that I wouldn’t understand why he was doing certain things, but always responded with “You will thank me later.” I saw him fight to place me in the best schools. I know now, he only wanted the best for me.
When I was 17, my father was diagnosed with chronic leukemia. I saw him with tumors, sick and death around the corner, but he never showed it. No one even knew he had cancer unless they saw the tumors alongside his face. God was with him. He had more energy and focus then some of the healthiest people I knew. When my dad was diagnosed, he started eating healthier and losing weight. Ironically, people thought he was doing great because he was losing weight and looked even better then he did before (he was overweight), but my father didn’t focus on the cancer, he focused on LIFE. We never even talked about it! He had a peace that truly surpassed all understanding.
He soon went into remission, and the cancer would come back on and off again throughout the years. Still, he wouldn’t talk about it and it wasn’t a highlight or main focus when others were around or in his daily life. He didn’t change who he was although he had a sickness destroying his body. I would see him on the couch sometimes crying. Of course we are human and things get to us, which he admitted he was depressed. It made me cry to see him cry. My father was my life.
“I couldn’t bear to think what I would do if he would pass. I thought I would kill myself if that happened.”
After leaving home for college everything was going well with my fathers health. That lasted for the first few years. However, around November –December, in my last year, things got really bad. He would tell me over the phone and share with others that things weren’t going very well. No one believed him or I, but he was serious and it started to show on his body. He was losing his hair, but he had a lot so he was easily able to cover the parts that were missing.
After continuous conversations and phone calls, I didn’t hear from my dad for awhile. It became hard for him to speak over the phone. But the Wednesday before he passed away he spoke to me on the phone for a few hours giving me life and instruction that would guide me. He wanted me to handle my business and be the best me in this real world. From relationships, to business, school, how to conduct and carry myself.
“A few days passed and our long talks became long seconds.”
Then, on April 27, 2008 at 11pm, one week before my college graduation, I received a phone call from my sister that our father passed away. When I heard those words, it didn’t even resonate with me. It was as if she told me she had a steak sandwich for lunch. There was so much peace and calmness that I couldn’t understand. Then I went into my room & in the natural I still wasn’t feeling anything, and I thought “okay, am I alright?” I didn’t even tell my roommates. I didn’t cry. It was seriously supernatural. I felt so much comfort. Then I went into the kitchen and a few moments later, I had my first supernatural outer body experience. I could see angels surrounding me hugging me. I knew from that point on Jesus was with me. My cares were His cares. It was my first time experiencing the peace that truly surpasses all understanding.
And I didn’t dare sulk when he passed. I knew my father wouldn’t want that. He would want me to handle my business. That is the legacy he wanted me to continue. After my father passed, I even went to school the next day. It was exam week and I didn’t tell anyone that my father had passed, not to hide it, but because it was surreal. I didn’t feel like he passed because I could feel his presence with me. I would have conversations with people, then hours later they would come to me because they heard from someone else about my fathers passing. I would hear, “oh Juliette, why didn’t you tell me your father just passed away?” and “I’m so sorry to hear that.” For me, it would be awkward, because I didn’t feel sorry. God took away all my pain and graced me for this. He saved me from depression and any sickness that could have occurred if I dealt with his death in the natural. I thank God and praise Him for carrying those cares for me.
Just as the Holy Spirit is with you and you feel His presence. That is how I feel about my father. Till this day, exactly 8 years later, I don’t feel as though he is dead. He is alive in spirit and in my heart. It is weird for me to talk about him in past tense. Some might say, ok she may be in denial or it will come out (my emotions) when I least expect. No, I’m not in denial, I know he is dead and saw his body at the funeral, and I haven’t cried yet 8 years later. I would think ok, “is this normal?” and try to force myself to cry by just thinking of him when he was sick, but my spirit refused to see him that way. It’s seriously the peace of God. I was more sad when he was alive when I saw him in pain. If you told me that I would be like this after he passed, I would have be like “yeah right!” But God is so good and carried me through.
At the funeral I was strong for my family. They were all sad but my presence made it better for them. Also, at that time, I was only 22 years old and everyone was asking me what I was going to do now since my father passed because I had plans to work with him after graduating. I had PEACE, but everyone else didn’t because they weren’t me and couldn’t feel what I felt. At that time, I wasn’t strong in my relationship with Christ and couldn’t fully articulate or defend my position at that time, but I didn’t let the anxiousness of others to shake me. I knew God had a plan for me.
I wasn’t mad at God, I didn’t pity myself or ask “why me?” I saw my father as a temporary guardian preparing me to take flight in the world. My father taught me everything I needed to know in the flesh to prepare me for what I was suppose to accomplish through the spirit. He protected me until I learned to turn to God for my protection.
Every life has a purpose, and for my father, his purpose in my life was to mold, direct and guide me into developing my own personal relationship with Jesus. This made it easier to submit to God. Your obedience to Him is a reflection of how you view your parents. Of course there could be unhealthy dictatorships, but when you have a parent who loves Jesus and is guiding you to the best, you can see it by the fruit in their life. Take heed to that wisdom and listen. I’m glad everything happened the way it did. I don’t have any regrets, nor do I feel lonely or have a void. God filled up everything immediately. He is so good and amazing.
Regardless of whether you have a father, no father at all, lost a parent in your youth, were adopted, or feel abandoned. “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will take me in” (Psalm 27:10). I encourage you to look to your Heavenly Father to fill in the gap when you lose a loved one.
“Be comforted in the fact that God has a purpose in everything, although we may not understand at the present moment.”
Mend all discord among those you love and live a life of forgiveness. Love people while you still are here, no matter what challenges they may face & allow them to see the love of God through you.
In my father’s passing, a blessing was discovered. Although I lost my earthy father, I gained a heavenly one. Before I was his, I was the Lord’s.